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[personal profile] bantha_fodder
these things do happen by pen
30 Rock, G

I don't know what this is. But it's for Pieces.



"Frank, this hyena skit is garbage," Liz says as she walks into the writers' room. Frank looks at her.

"I'm crushed," he says from behind his sandwich. "I worked long hard seconds on that, and you just tear me down. It's like you don't even care."

"Yeah, well, you deserve it, and I don't care." Liz leans forward, drops her voice. "You know Jenna won't play an older woman. Are you trying to get me in trouble?"

Frank shrugs. "Well, you know." He takes a nonchalant bite of his sandwich. Liz growls, and tugs the sandwich out of his hands, throws it on the table.

"Write something I can use!" She walks towards her office in what she hopes is a stately, superior fashion, but halfway across the room she hears her phone ring and she can't resist its lure - what if she's won something? So she runs, and narrowly avoids tripping, and picks up the phone on the seventh ring.

"Ms Lemon, Mr Donaghy would like to see you immediately," Jonathon says.

"Have I won something?" she asks hopefully, just in case.

Jonathon hangs up the phone.


**



**

In Jack's office, she finds him standing in front of the windows, considering something. "Lemon," he says without turning around. "Have you ever considered what it is that we do here?"

She knew it! She knew he was considering! He turns around, and she wipes the glee off her face. "We put on shows that hopefully earn a lot of money and then give all the writers giant raises?"

Jack laughs. "Lemon, you're such a kidder. Giving raises to writers, honestly, no wonder you're in comedy." He steps away from the window. "No, but seriously, what is it we do?" He continues without giving her a chance to offer an answer, which is a shame because she had half a dozen all lined up, and they were all super funny. "We entertain," he says. "We bring laughter and joy to the hearts of our viewers."

"Okay, sure. I suppose we do that."

"And what is the most joyous, most laughter-filled performance we can give as entertainers, Lemon?"

"Something that's genuinely funny without appealing to the lowest common denominator?"

"No, Lemon, there is no equality in entertainment. Honestly, try and think outside your little pinko box. I'm talking about Alice in Wonderland. Lewis Carroll's wonderous classic of a young girl thrust into a whirlwind of adventure and cameos by famous actors."

"Oh, so you want an Alice sketch with some famous people? Well, we can do that. And I'm sure Jenna would love to play a Queen. She loves that sort of stuff."

"Ah, Lemon, I can see we've had a miscommunication. I don't want a sketch for the show, I want it to be the show. We're going to do it as a family. I want the crew in on it, too."

Liz frowns. That is really not a good idea. "Jack, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Of course it is! Remember when you were in High School, and your mother forced you to join the marching band even though a childhood illness had left your neck too weak to support that giant hat, and you desperately wanted to join the theatre club because they looked like they were having such fun and spent a lot of time sitting around? And then everyone went to the school production and loved the performance, and you got your nose rubbed into your trombone because nobody liked the marching band?"

Liz holds herself still, too worried to move in case Jack realises she was in the theatre club.

"Well, now's your chance! The network has said it will be a great idea, what a novelty!" He gestures to a seat. "I'd like to hear about your casting thoughts."

"Mr Donaghy," Jonathon interrupts, and Liz has never been so grateful to see his wretched little face. "You need to take this call." He mouths something that Liz can't decipher, and Jack frowns.

"Well, Lemon, I'll talk to you about this later. Come up, we'll have dinner in my office and you can show me what you've got."

He pushes her out of the office, and closes the door in her face.

Liz shakes her head. "There's no way I'm getting the crew in front of a camera," she says. Jonathon gives her a stern look.

"Ms Lemon, I hope you're not thinking of ignoring Mr Donaghy's orders. He works very hard to promote your show, he at least deserves your respect."

"Oh, he has my respect all right," Liz says. "If he can even get a crew member in front of the camera I'll be impressed."

**



**

Frank's all smiles, and Twofer offers her a cookie. Liz knows when she needs to be suspicious, and now's the time. "What's wrong? What have you broken?"

"What makes you ask such hurtful questions?" Twofer asks. "We're merely looking out for your health and well-being."

"My well-being is just fine," Liz says, as she takes a bite of the cookie. "And so is this cookie. Where did you get it?"

"Uh, Miss Lemon?" Kenneth dashes into the writer's room, looking nervous. "Miss Lemon, there's a small problem with Miss Maroney."

"What is it now?" Liz asks. "It's not even a show day."

"Well, Miss Maroney seems very upset about something, and she won't come out of her room."

Liz rolls her eyes and heads out the door. She takes another cookie, then rethinks; takes a third cookie. One for sustenance, and one for bribery. She bumps into Tracy.

"Oh good, Tracy. I need to talk to you."

"Liz Lemon, I cannot talk to you right now. I am a robot."

Oh great, she thinks. "Oh good," she says, instead. She gestures to Grizz and Dotcom, and they just shrug. Sometimes she thinks maybe they encourage Tracy to do this shit.

"He saw a movie," Grizz says, and Liz knows they must have done it on purpose, because they never let Tracy watch movies.

"Miss Lemon!" Kenneth runs back into the room, beckoning her to run with him. She doesn't have time for this. "Can he be not a robot sometime this afternoon, please?" she asks, and after making Grizz nod, she dashes off down the hall, one cookie still in her hand.

"Jenna, you're beautiful," she begins.

"I don't believe you, Liz! If I was so beautiful, why am I being replaced by the crew?"

Oh, great. Liz rolls her eyes.

**





**

This is where Jack finds her, leaning against Jenna's door trying to convince her to come out. "Don't you want to be the Queen?" Liz asks. "Of course I want to be the Queen," Jenna yells back through the door. "I am beautiful, and I deserve to be the Queen, but I am an actress, Liz. I deserve to work with people who can act."

"Everyone here can act, Jenna, that's what brought them here."

Jenna pulls the door open. Liz almost falls down, but catches herself, lies languidly leaning on her arm like she means it. "You mean they're all like you?" Jenna asks.

"Do you mean, sexy and multi-talented?"

"Oh, Liz," Jenna laughs. "No, I mean, desperately wanted to act but wasn't beautiful enough, so moved into being crew in the hopes that someone above them would fail and they would get to move up."

Liz sighs. "Yes, Jenna, they're all like me." She speaks in a monotone.

"Well, I'm not falling for that trick! What if they sabotage me? Whoever is Alice is sure to be desperate for my role!" Jenna slams the door again, and Liz frowns. Kenneth looks upset.

"How is it going, Lemon?" Jack asks.

She scrambles to her feet, she doesn't want Jack to think maybe she's lower than he is or anything. "Oh, it's going just great," she says. "Just awesome. Jenna thinks that whoever will be Alice will be trying to stab the beautiful White Queen Jenna in the back, so whoever it is has to be someone she absolutely doesn't fear."

"Another problem for me to solve? Honestly Lemon, what would you do without me?" Liz tries to protest, but Jack holds up his hand. "Uh, no need to thank me in advance, just tell me who you've got so far."

She's got nothing, she knows that, but she says, "Tracy will be the Mad Hatter."

Jack waves his hand, gets her to hurry up. "Yes yes, that's obvious, Lemon."

"Grizz and Dot Com are Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Frank is the Cheshire Cat, Twofer the Caterpillar, and Jenna is the White Queen."

"Writers?" Jack pulls a face. "I suppose. And who will you be playing, Lemon?" Jack asks. Liz shakes her head.

"Oh, no, I can't act," she says.

"Don't be disingenuous, I know exactly what you used to get up to. So who will you be playing?"

She casts her mind about, thinks of the only role she can. "Well, I'll be the Red Queen," she says.

Jack nods. "An excellent choice. Shrill, and prone to bad decisions." Liz gasps, but before she can protest, there is a meaningful cough from beside her.

"And who will I get to be, Mr Donaghy?" Kenneth asks. His smile is wide and hopeful, and Liz knows what Jack is about to do. It would be the perfect answer to Jenna, but he wouldn't would he? Jack puts his arm around Kenneth, thrusts his other arm out and waves it around, encouraging Kenneth to think about bright lights and names written in them. And yep, there he goes.

"Why, you'll be our star, Kenneth. You'll be playing...Alice."

Kenneth clutches his hands to his chest and spins away from Jack. Had he asked too much? "Mr Donaghy," Kenneth says. "It would be an honour to take on this beloved role."

Jack pats Kenneth on the back. "Thank you my friend," Jack says. "Your country thanks you." As Kenneth skips away, Liz leans forward.

"You're amazing," she whispers.

"Yes, thank you, Lemon," he replies. "I know I am."

**



**

AND THEN MAYBE


Liz wakes up, her hand gripping the remains of a half-eaten doughnut. She sniffs it. "Ugh, what am I doing?" she asks the empty room.

She throws the doughnut on the table, and stumbles off to bed.

She's careful not to look for any clues on the way. That shit had better have been a dream.


BUT MAYBE NOT





I don't know, do the pictures add or detract from the lols? I JUST CAN'T DECIDE
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