In general, and this is feedback you've had from me before, I think you love the short, punchy lines too much. As you know, I am a HUGE fan of short, punchy lines, and use them all the time, but sometimes your pieces are just punch after punch. Sometimes, you need to take one of those lines, and extend it into a paragraph. You'll lose the punch of that line, but it will make the following one that much more effective.
You need a beta. Not for grammar, or characterisation, but simply for style. Your grammar is excellent, and you usually have an excellent grasp on characterisation.
In order to be specific, I have selected two recentis fics of yours: Start Infinity Again (for those of you watching at home, it is Tenth Doctor/Rose), and Wild Dependence (Six/Sharon).
The italic section at the beginning of Start Infinity Again illustrates perfectly the problem I discussed above. As a suggestion, the first three lines smushed together. Add another sentence, and the final line out on its own.
Also, often your sentences are too long.
Start Infinity Again illustrates your need for a beta, just to smooth you over, too, with some tense problems and some awkward phrases.
Wild Dependence. Okay. I don't think the main section quite works. I know what you're going for, and this is useless crit, but I think it's off and I can't tell you why.
Clearly I don't hate your writing, or I'd have had more to say. I think it's these same points all over.
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branchandroot
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-23 06:24 am (UTC)You need a beta. Not for grammar, or characterisation, but simply for style. Your grammar is excellent, and you usually have an excellent grasp on characterisation.
In order to be specific, I have selected two recentis fics of yours: Start Infinity Again (for those of you watching at home, it is Tenth Doctor/Rose), and Wild Dependence (Six/Sharon).
The italic section at the beginning of Start Infinity Again illustrates perfectly the problem I discussed above. As a suggestion, the first three lines smushed together. Add another sentence, and the final line out on its own.
Also, often your sentences are too long.
Start Infinity Again illustrates your need for a beta, just to smooth you over, too, with some tense problems and some awkward phrases.
Wild Dependence. Okay. I don't think the main section quite works. I know what you're going for, and this is useless crit, but I think it's off and I can't tell you why.
Clearly I don't hate your writing, or I'd have had more to say. I think it's these same points all over.
The end.