You know I love subtle, but I've no idea what Lipstick is frivolous with the country still in shock, but to Susan, it's cheaper than the alternative. is supposed to mean. Also I don't like, Smiling contrast red.
There are some tense changes that should have been cleared up. And I know there are supposed to be tense changes, but sometimes you've wrong tense changes.
I don't like trailing benediction for all of Narnia, which is funny, because theoretically it feels like something I would write, so I should like it, but I don't. It feels off. Okay also and through the hours keep a vigil for the dying of their memories UGH. It's too naff.
You don't explain why Peter takes off his jumper and helps Susan put it on. Clearly, I don't want you to tell us or anything, and I want you to show, but I don't think you actually show it, so.
I love the bit about the churches, though.
I'm totally too tired to review a second fic. Sorry, Tris! You must forgive me anyway. I insist.
*(OMG Note to self I want to write something called The Adventure that Shall Fail Us)
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branchandroot
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Date: 2006-02-24 07:25 am (UTC)You know I love subtle, but I've no idea what Lipstick is frivolous with the country still in shock, but to Susan, it's cheaper than the alternative. is supposed to mean. Also I don't like, Smiling contrast red.
There are some tense changes that should have been cleared up. And I know there are supposed to be tense changes, but sometimes you've wrong tense changes.
I don't like trailing benediction for all of Narnia, which is funny, because theoretically it feels like something I would write, so I should like it, but I don't. It feels off. Okay also and through the hours keep a vigil for the dying of their memories UGH. It's too naff.
You don't explain why Peter takes off his jumper and helps Susan put it on. Clearly, I don't want you to tell us or anything, and I want you to show, but I don't think you actually show it, so.
I love the bit about the churches, though.
I'm totally too tired to review a second fic. Sorry, Tris! You must forgive me anyway. I insist.
*(OMG Note to self I want to write something called The Adventure that Shall Fail Us)