[fic] the pilot bride [bsg] [crackfic]
Jan. 28th, 2006 07:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bantha_fodderThe Pilot Bride, a crackfic by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bantha_fodder
BSG, rated PG. No spoilers.
Words and situations liberally stolen from The Princess Bride.
For my Plastix
**
There was once an Admiral, with a wife and two sons whom he loved very much.
No, wait. That story is too long. Better to start here:
Lee was raised in a house, provided by the Colonial Forces, in the city of Caprica. Lee's favourite pastimes were flying in vipers and reading banned books. There was a mechanic who serviced the family's vehicles and equipments, a young girl of similar age to Lee, who lived in the apartment block adjacent to the house that Lee lived in. The apartment block was filled with children from broken families and people with no hope, and this little urchin repaired and cleaned for a little food and a place to hide from her mother.
Nothing gave Lee as much pleasure as ordering Kara around. "Urchin," he would say, haughtily, "polish my car. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."
"What am I, your frakking slave?" Kara would reply as she reached for the polish, and Lee would walk away.
"Urchin," he would say, "I'd like a leek and cucumber soup for dinner."
"What am I, your frakking slave?" Kara would reply, and peel the cucumbers.
It was all Kara ever said, and sometimes Lee wondered if it was all she could say, but occasionally he heard her talking to others from the apartments, and he would know the truth of it.
He wondered if she hated him so much she would not speak any other words to him.
As time passed, it became clear that when Kara said, "What am I, your frakking slave?" what she really meant was, "I love you." And Lee was amazed to discover that he loved her in return.
"Urchin," he said one day, from beneath his viper, "pass me that screwdriver." Kara leaned down and across, and for a moment their hands touched: and she was warm and greasy, and he wanted to hold her.
And hold her he did, and that night, Lee and Kara frakked like the teenagers they were, hot and sweaty on his Star Trek: The Search For Earth sheets.
Kara, being from the projects next door, had no money for marriage, so she packed her few belongings and set out to seek her fortune in the Colonial Forces.
At the airport, Lee looked at Kara and touched a hand to her neck. He had no need for words, but he worried that he would never see her again.
"We don't need the money," he said.
Kara frowned. "I'm not doing it for that," she replied.
"I'm worried you won't come back to me. It's dangerous outside Caprica City."
"Hey," Kara said. "It's dangerous in Caprica City."
"You don't have to be my hero."
"I'm not doing it for you," said Kara, and Lee could read lie on her face. He stood as the door closed behind her, and watched as she walked away, but she didn't look back.
Kara never made it to the Colonial training facilities. The ship she was on was captured by The Dread Pirate Starbuck, who never left captives alive.
The missive came when Lee's father was on shore leave.
"Kara would have made an excellent pilot," his father rumbled, and Lee threw his chocolate mousse in his father's face.
"I will never love again," Lee declared.
"Frak, Lee," his brother said. "There are more women in the world."
He threw his brother out, and slammed the door.
*
Five years later, everyone was gathered around their television sets, and the bleachers in the Caprica City Stadium were filled until there was not even standing room left. There was a loud fanfare, and everyone jumped in surprise, and turned to face the stage. Out stepped the Evil Queen Helena, and she waved to her loyal subjects.
"This year is the fortieth anniversary of the Colonies," announced the Queen. "And on the eve of the day of our fortieth anniversary, I shall marry a man, who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find him common now."
Into the middle of the Stadium stepped a young man, handsome in his suit and with a dainty circlet of silver on his head. "This," declared Evil Queen Helena, "Is my groom to be, the Prince Apollo."
Everyone waved and bowed at the Prince Apollo, who was in fact Lee, and Lee smiled back, but inside he was hollow and lonely. Although the laws of the Colonies gave Evil Queen Helena to marry any man in the land, he did not love her.
Despite Evil Queen Helena's reassurances that he would grow to love her, Lee's only joy was in his daily viper flight. He was not permitted to fly too far, but at least he could fly, and it reminded him of his beloved Kara.
Flying far above his beloved planet of Caprica, Lee saw out of his viper window a distress signal and, being a kind soul (and about to become the Prince of Caprica), Lee brought his viper in to land.
In front of him, closing down their distress signal with unseemly haste, were three people. "Kind Sir," said the very short one. "We are but poor circus performers, lost on the way to Caprica City. Tell me, is there a village nearby?"
"No," said Lee, "There isn't anything for miles. You really are quite lost."
"Excellent," said the very short one. "Then there will be no one to hear you scream."
The very large one stepped forward, and then Lee could remember no more.
*
"What is it that you are ripping?" asked Billy of Roslin.
"It is the patch of the Cylon Army," replied Roslin.
"Who is the Cylon Army?" asked Helo, who was not very bright.
"The Cylons are the sworn enemies of the Colonies. So when the Queen finds the patch by Prince Apollo's viper, she will suspect the Cylons. And when she finds his body in the deserted Cylon base, her suspicions will be confirmed."
"You never said anything about killing anyone," said Helo, unimpressed.
"I hired you to help me start a war!" Roslin replied. "It is an excellent career, with a long and glorious tradition."
"I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent young man."
"Oh, Helo," sighed Roslin, and she reached for the pills she kept in a bottle in her jacket. "You were hired for other reasons than your brains, Helo."
"I agree with Helo," said Billy.
"I will kill him myself!" declared Roslin. "And remember this, never forget this, when I found you, Billy, you were a washed up actor who hadn't finished high school! You weren't good for flipping burgers!" Roslin turned to Helo. "And you were friendless, at the mercy of the Cylons!" Roslin staggered away, muttering about how difficult it was to find good help.
Billy and Helo consoled one another with terrible puns and comparing bad shirts as they climbed into the raptor and flew away, the Prince Apollo knocked out in the back.
*
"Are you sure we aren't being followed?" asked Billy.
"Such an event would be inconceivable," said Roslin.
"Despite what you might think, Queen Helena will find you, and will see you all spaced." Lee did not wish that much for Evil Queen Helena to find him, but he was always polite, and if Evil Queen Helena were Queen, then it was Evil Queen Helena he must be loyal to.
Roslin threatened Lee with a glare and a twitch of her glasses, and Billy coughed. "Are you sure no one is following us?"
"Thank you for your concern, Billy," said Roslin, "But it is quite inconceivable. No one in Caprica City knows what we have done." She paused. "Out of curiosity, why do you happen to ask?"
"It's nothing," said Billy. "It's just that I happened to check the radar, and something is there."
Roslin looked. "It's nothing. Probably some local from the Tyllium refinery, out for a pleasure cruise through meteor-infested space."
A rattle from the back of the raptor captured their attention. Lee pulled on the handle. "I'll do it," he threatened.
"You can," said Roslin. "But you are wearing a half patched suit, and if you stay here, we will not hurt you. The meteors can make no such promise." Lee turned the handle a little more, and dropped it as the suction of space began to pull on him. Helo reached for him and brought Lee back into the raptor.
"I suppose you think you are brave, Apollo," remarked Roslin.
"Only compared to some," said Lee, and thought of Kara.
*
Billy turned. "We're still being followed."
"No matter," said Roslin as they landed on Aerilon. "We will hide in the Midnight Markets, and he will be unable to follow us in the melee." But follow them the mystery person did, and Roslin worried.
"Helo," said Roslin as they reached the Cliffs of Insane Cylons. "Carry Apollo. Billy, stay to fight this man. He cannot be allowed to follow us past the Cliffs of Insane Cylons. Catch up with us when you are done." Helo and Roslin ran off, and Billy remained behind, knife in one hand, words in his mouth.
"You okay?" Billy called down, slightly bored, and a little concerned as the man climbed the Cliffs of Insane Cylons.
"I'm a little busy," replied the masked man, "and I'd appreciate it if you didn't distract me."
"Sorry," said Billy.
Billy practiced his knife strikes for several minutes, before leaning over the edge again. "I don't suppose you could speed things up?"
"You could make yourself useful. Extend a dead Cylon or something."
"I could," said Billy, always perceptive, "But you would not trust me."
"This is true."
"I swear on my honour as a Aerilion."
"No good. I've known too many scoundrels from this frakking planet."
"I swear on the name of my father. You will not die before you reach top."
"Okay. Hand me that Cylon."
Billy used the hand of a dead Cylon, rotting on the cliffs, to draw his competition to the top, where he discovered he would be fighting a woman.
"Excuse me," said Billy. "I cannot help but notice you are a woman, so I need to ask you a very personal question."
"Go ahead," said the masked person, "But I might have to punch you for it."
"Sure," said Billy. "Do you have more than one body?"
The masked woman looked at him in silence for some time. "No," she replied, finally.
"My father was a great knife maker," said Billy. "The woman with multiple bodies wanted a very special knife, and my father was proud to make it. The woman returned and demanded the knife, but for one tenth the price. She killed my father, and scarred me. But I shall kill that woman. I have studied hard, and I shall meet her again, and say, "Hello, my name is Billy Keikeya, you killed my father, prepare to die."
"You've done nothing but learn knife play?"
"I have learnt some fancy words too, and I know some programming languages," he said. "But now, we must fight. You seem a decent lady, I don't like to kill you."
"You're a decent fellow, I hate to die." The lady grinned.
They drew their knives and fought, left hand to left hand, and complimented one another on their styles. "You are very good," said Billy.
"So are you. Have you studied the Sagitteron style?"
"I have," replied Billy, "And you would be no match for me, if It wasn't clear you have also studied the Canceron Third Form."
"It is true," said the masked woman. "And it is equally clear that you have not studied the Kirk Form, which means that I must necessarily best you, and you know that. So I cannot work out why you are smiling."
"Because," said Billy. "I am not left handed." He swapped hands and lunged.
The woman laughed. "Is that all?" She said. "Why, I am not left handed either.
She quickly bested Billy then, and as he knelt before her he said, "Please end me quickly."
"There are many things I would rather destroy than an excellent man such as yourself." She hit him across the head, and he fell to the ground. "But your last words need some work."
She collected her things, and ran off in the direction of the others.
Some distance away, Roslin became quietly displeased. "Really," she said. "Such perseverance is inconceivable in the young. Pass the young prince to me. Catch up with us quickly. Finish him your way!"
"Thank you," said Helo. "But what is my way?"
"Hide behind these market stalls. Pick up some produce. When the Person in Black comes along, hit him in the head!"
"My way is not very sportsmanlike."
Roslin shook her head, and dragged Lee away.
As the woman in black approached, Helo threw a pineapple. "I missed on purpose," he said. "I like to fight fair."
"You mean," she said, slowly, "I will put down my knife, and you'll put down your pineapple, and we'll fight like soldiers?"
"I could kill you now," Helo pointed out.
"I feel you have an advantage," she said, and ran at him.
"It is not my fault I am the biggest," Helo replied.
She ran at him again, and bounced off. "Are you toying with me?" she asked.
"I don't want you to feel embarrassed."
She rolled and jumped, and leapt onto Helo's back. "You are a lot of trouble for one person," he gasped, as she held tight around his neck until he gasped and fell.
"Dream of beautiful women," she said, and dropped a cigar by his side. "Unless you want to dream of men."
She grinned, and ran off.
*
Evil Queen Helena traced the steps taken at the Cliffs of Insane Cylons. "The loser ran off on her own," she declared, "And the winner ran back into the Markets."
"Shall we follow both sets?" Asked the Evil Queen's advisor, a woman with more than one body by the name of Count Six.
"The loser is nothing," replied the Evil Queen, "Unless we have the time to come back and kill her."
In the background, an insane Cylon broke rocks and threw them at the humans as they passed by, but the party ignored her, and soon she was lost to the landscape but for the noise of her yells, and the sound of her head hitting the rocks.
"Only the Prince matters," said Evil Queen Helena to the air.
*
"So," said Roslin. "It is down to you, and it is down to me." The woman in black limped towards where Roslin sat at the bar, her gun pointed at Lee's lap.
"By all means, come closer if you wish for me to kill him."
"Let me explain."
"No need. You are trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen."
"Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?"
"There can be no arrangement, and we are at an impasse. I am no match for you physically," and here Roslin coughed, "And you are no match for my visions."
"Really?" asked the woman.
"Really. I have seen Kobol. I know what you will do."
"In that case, I challenge you to a battle of the Gods' favour."
"To the death?"
"Well," said the woman. "I know that you have cancer, and are going to die soon anyway."
"Oh," said Roslin. "Your advice from the Gods is excellent. I accept."
"Pour the vodka into one glass." The woman in black slid onto a bar stool, and waved at the bartender. "Inhale, but do not touch. This is Ambrosia from the Tyllium Refinery at the edge of the galaxy. One shot of this makes a person lose control of their senses. It is odourless, colourless, tasteless, and reacts very badly with any sort of painkiller, which we are both on." The woman in black. She then picked up the glasses, and turned her back to Roslin, before bringing them back to the bar.
"Drink," said the woman in black. "And one of us will be right, and the other dead."
"The answer is simple," said Roslin, sure. "The Gods will do as they will."
"You have made your decision, then?"
"No."
The woman in black frowned and rolled her eyes.
"The Gods have chosen me to lead us back to Kobol, so clearly you, as an instrument of the Gods, can not have put the deadly Ambrosia in front of me."
"Truly, your words are dizzying."
Roslin smiled. "Please," she said. "I just pay attention to my surroundings."
"Now you're stalling," accused the woman in black.
"You have beaten my giant, so you are strong and may have relied on your strength to fight the alcohol, so the Gods may have placed it in front of you. But you bested Billy, so clearly you have studied, and you must know that we are mortal, and would have put it as far away from you as possible, and I clearly cannot pick the glass in front of me."
"You're trying to trick me. It won't work."
"It has worked. You've given away everything just by coming here," said Roslin. "I know where it is."
"So make your choice."
"I have!" declared Roslin. "And my choice is - Oh my Gods, what is that?" Roslin pointed over the other woman's shoulder, and the woman in black turned.
"What?" she asked. "Where?" And Roslin leaned across the table and swapped glasses.
"Oh," said Roslin. "It must be my eyes. No matter." She laughed. "Let us drink."
The two drank, and Roslin fell to the ground.
"You guessed wrong," said the woman in black. "I can drink as much Ambrosia as I like. All pilots can. They were both full. Such a waste."
The woman in black took the mask from about Lee's head. "Who are you?" he asked.
"No one to be trifled with. That it all you ever need know."
*
Evil Queen Helena touched the ground. "Someone fought a very large, very dumb man here," she said. "If Apollo is harmed, I shall be very angry."
*
"If you release me, you won't be harmed," said Lee to his captor. "I promise you."
She laughed. "And what is that worth? Your promise. You make me laugh, Your Highness."
"I was giving you a chance. No matter where you take me, Queen Helena will find you. There is no greater hunter, no one more merciless than Queen Helena."
"You think your greatest love will find you?"
"I never said she was my greatest love," spat Lee. "And yes, she will find me. That I know."
The woman in black moved closer. "You admit you do not love your fiance."
"What business is it of yours? She knows I do not love her."
"Are not capable of love, is what you mean."
"I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream." Lee moved forward until he was close enough to touch the woman in black, and she drew back her arm and punched him in the mouth.
He punched back.
*
"The Prince is alive, or was, an hour ago," declared Helena. "If he is otherwise when I find him, I shall be very put out."
*
Puffed, Lee sat on a bar stool in a different bar. "Rest, Highness," said the masked woman.
"I know who you are," said Lee, voice low. "Your cruelty reveals all. You are the Dread Pirate Starbuck. Admit it!"
"With pride," said the Dread Pirate Starbuck. "What can I do for you?"
"You can die slowly, head torn by a Cylon."
Starbuck laughed. "That is hardly complimentary, Highness. Why waste your venom on me?"
"You killed my love."
"Possible. I have killed many. Who was your love? Another Evil Queen like this one: rich, ugly, scabby and with bad personal habits?"
"No," said Lee. "A street kid. Poor and perfect, and brilliant fighter. Out there, your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Starbuck never takes prisoners."
"I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word gets out a pirate's gone soft, they don't take them seriously and then it's work, work, work."
"You mock my pain."
Starbuck curled her lip. "Life is pain. Gods, you're a moron."
"I remember this girl of yours, I think. What was it, five years ago? She died very well. No tears. Very rude to me, and she said, 'Let me live, you frakker.' I asked what was so important she would risk her death on my sword, and she said, 'True Love,' Which I thought was a bit soft, to be honest, but she was adamant. Said her man was true and handsome and absolutely loaded. I can only assume she meant you. You should be grateful to me, that I put her out of her misery before she found out about your unfaithfulness. Tell me, did you wait a whole day before becoming engaged to your Queen?"
Lee leapt to his feet. "Frak you!" he yelled, and turned his head at the low buzz of ships moving through the atmosphere, barely audible over the noise of the bar. He waved at the door of the bar, and set off the homing beacon on his belt. "And you can die, for all the good you are."
"Gods, Lee, you're such a moron." Starbuck looked at the door, at the nervous patrons listening to their Queen coming closer, and shrugged. "What am I, your frakking slave?" she asked, and dashed out the back door.
"Oh, Kara," said Lee, shaking his head. "What have I done?" He leapt up after her, bruising himself something fierce. It had been years since he had trained in the hopes of entering the Academy, and his skin was soft and supple, and easy to damage.
"You are such a frakking princess, Lee," said Kara when he caught up with her.
*
"They have disappeared," growled Evil Queen Helena. "She must have panicked. And unless I am wrong - and I am never wrong - they are headed into the deserted Cylon base.
*
"I was an ECO for years. Can you imagine it, Lee? Me, an ECO." Kara laughs, and it's as if the years have never passed.
"Kara," Lee says, and his voice is choked.
"And every day it was the same. 'Goodnight, Kara. Make the most of today, I'll probably kill you in the morning.' And then one day she got stabbed right through. Middle of a pub brawl. And she said, 'I suppose the time has come, Kara. I am not the original Dread Pirate Starbuck."' Kara paused, and punched Lee in the shoulder. "So here I am, Lee. And you're looking frakking old. Have you ever considered piracy? Makes the years just drop right off."
Lee rested a hand on her wrist.
"I missed you," he said.
"But you didn't frakking wait. I said I'd come back."
"Well," Lee said. "You were dead."
"Oh, like that'd stop me."
Lee and Kara finished their beers and ran. They didn't have much of a plan, but they thought better on their feet anyway. They battled the Giant Cylon Rats of the great Plains, and as they tried to steal some vipers Evil Queen Helena crested over the ridge in her raptor.
"Surrender," said Evil Queen Helena, her sidearm steadily pointing at Kara.
"I'm glad you concede I'm the better pilot," said Kara. "Very well, I accept."
"You are such a fool." Evil Queen Helena. "I don't have a problem with shooting you. I tell you once again, surrender."
"It will not happen."
"Oh, whatever," said the Evil Queen, and moved to shoot Kara.
"Do you promise not to hurt her?" asked Lee.
Kara rolled her eyes. "Oh, for frak's sake."
"If I return and marry you, do you promise not to hurt her?"
"Of course," said Evil Queen Helena. "On my very honour, may I never fly again."
Lee wrapped his hand around Kara's hair, and pressed his forehead to her own. "I love you," he said.
"When we get back to Caprica, throw her in the Pit of Despair," murmured Evil Queen Helena to Count Six.
"I could not bear it if you died again," said Lee as he softly kissed her hair.
"Seriously Lee, I should never have left you if you were going to get like this. And I'm not going to. I'll be back."
"Let's go!" yelled Evil Queen Helena, and Lee dashed into her raptor.
Count Six stepped up to Kara. "We must get you to your ship," she said, as the raptor took off."
"We are women of action," said Kara. "Lies do not become us."
"They become me very well. I have need of them."
Kara looked closer, and smiled.
"Tell me," she asked. "Do you have more than one body?"
"Of course I do," replied Count Six, and Kara's grin grew wider.
"Someone was looking for you, Count Six," she said, and the count knocked her out.
*
As Kara woke, she became aware of a greasy man patting her body down.
"What the frak are you doing?"
"You're dirty. Unwell. She says I have to make you better."
"There's no one here. And where is here?" Kara tried to get up, but found she was tied down. "And why the frak am I tied up?"
"She is always here," he hissed. "And you are in the Pit of Despair. There is no escape."
"So I am here until I die?"
"Until she tells me to kill you, yes."
"And you always do what she says?"
"It's better that way."
*
Lee dreamt he married Evil Queen Helena in a quick ceremony in the dead of night, and when their photos were printed in all the tabloids everyone slashed his face and wrote the truth of how he had left his true love behind.
But he saved her life, and when he awoke, it was this that comforted him.
*
"He is such a nuisance," said Evil Queen Helena to Count Six. "It is always 'Kara this,' and, 'Kara that.' I simply cannot live with him. He will be murdered by Cylon assassins on our wedding night, and the Colonies will insist to go to war with the Cylons. See to it."
Count Six smiled. "Of course," she said. "And did you want to come downstairs with me? I have a hot bath, some hot cocoa, and I was thinking of making Gaius torture Kara this evening."
"Six," the Queen said, a hand on Six's shoulder, "You know I love watching you when you work. But I have a wedding to plan, a husband to kill, and the Cylons to frame for it. I'm swamped."
Six leaned forward and kissed the Queen on the cheek. "Get some rest. You'll look beautiful in the morning."
Count Six stepped into the Pit of Despair, and tortured Kara until she screamed.
She smiled.
*
"I want you to increase security. I have heard there is a plot against my beloved."
"I have heard no such news," Fisk shook his head.
"There is a plot," Helena repeated. "On the day of the wedding, I want the Markets emptied."
"Many of the merchants will resist."
"Form a brute squad, then!"
"It won't be easy."
"Try ruling the Colonies some time."
*
Outside a filthy bar in the middle of the Markets, Helo found a very inebriated Billy. "I didn't know you drank, man!" said Helo, clapping Billy on the back. Billy fell, until he was lying on the side of the road.
"I am fine," Billy slurred. Helo helped Billy to his feet, and nursed him back to health.
It was pretty gross, but Helo was good like that.
He told Billy of the existence of Count Six, and Billy leapt to his feet. "Where is she?" he cried. "I must kill her now!"
"In the castle," said Helo. "But the gates are guarded by many men, and I cannot take them all."
"We need the help of the woman in black," said Billy. "We must find her."
*
"Be honest with me, Gaius, do you think it's working out, this thing between us?"
"Of course," he said. "You're beautiful, and I love building these machines for you. It's for the good of the Colonies, you know."
"Oh, Gaius."
"Do you mind?" Kara interrupted. "You've already tortured me once tonight."
"But clearly not enough," yelled the Evil Queen Helena. "Your frakking boyfriend won't frakking shut up about you. You might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century is as lucky as you. And so I think no woman will suffer as much as you."
"Oh, no," said Count Six. "You mustn't put it that high."
"Oh, like you've never said that before," said Evil Queen Helena, and killed Kara.
*
Billy dropped to his knees. "Gods," he said, in his hands the idols his father had once worshipped. "Please guide me. I have failed for many years, but now I am so close, so close, and I just need a little help."
He looked up, and ahead of him was a bright light. He followed it and saw a great path with hundreds of corridors, and one open door. When he opened his eyes, he turned to Helo and said, "I know where we must go." Helo and Billy walked and walked, and Billy was not wrong. He found Kara's body.
"Frak," he said. "Time for a miracle."
Helo carried Kara's body and followed Billy until they reached a tent in the middle of the Market that had not been cleared out.
"Are you the Gaeta who worked for King Adar all those years?"
"The king's stupid daughter fired me. Thanks for bringing that up."
"Please," said Billy who, for a learned guy, wasn't very good with words. "We need a miracle."
"Oh, okay," said Gaeta. "I'm always happy to help."
Helo carried Kara's body into the tent, and settled her onto the table. Gaeta declined to miracle her until his wife Dee intervened; "Liar!" she yelled. "You're so frakking nice, but ten years on Comms and all you know how to do now is lie!" and Gaeta miracled her better for three bottles of Ambrosia and two tickets to the next game between the Buccaneers and the Superstars.
"Frakking morons," muttered Dee as they waved goodbye. "Taking on the Evil Queen."
"Get drunk with me, Dee," said Gaeta, and when she turned back to him the twinkle in his eye was all she needed to reach for the nearest bottle of Ambrosia.
They didn't think about Helo, Billy and Kara again.
*
Helo put Kara on the ground. "We're so frakked," he said.
"We are not," said Billy. "We have her. She will help us."
"I'll frakking kill you both! Why can't I move my frakking arms?" Helo slapped a hand over Kara's mouth.
"Welcome back," he said.
"You were mostly dead," said Billy.
"And Lee is about to marry Evil Queen Helena."
"And the castle is heavily guarded."
"And the woman with many bodies is in there."
"Oh, for frak's sake," said Kara, and rolled her eyes. "It's always up to Starbuck."
*
"The Gods bless you and keep you," declared the celebrant.
"Yes yes," said Helena impatiently. "Just marry us already."
"You're awfully eager," said Lee.
"My love," said Evil Queen Helena, "I just want to be with you always."
Lee rolled his eyes.
*
The Dread Pirate Starbuck had taught Kara well. She snuck them into the castle, and there they parted ways.
"You are no match for me," said Count Six.
"Hello. My name is Billy Keikeya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Count Six lunged, and from behind a doorway, another of her appeared.
*
Lee stood by his window, looking out over Caprica City. He would miss it, when he was gone. He reached for his gun, and held it to his head.
"You are such a frakking moron, Lee," said a voice, and Lee turned. Upon his bed was Kara, and he smiled.
"Kara."
He held Kara close, and then frowned. "Why aren't you hitting me, telling me to let go?"
"I would," she said, "If only I hadn't spent most of today mostly dead." Lee let go of her, and she fell heavily to the bed.
*
Billy threw his knives, and killed both bodies. He wasn't sure how.
He decided not to press his luck.
He ran.
*
In Lee's bedroom, instead of the veritable frakfest one might hope for, Evil Queen Helena found herself held at gunpoint by two irate pilots.
"Well, frak," she said, as they tied her up and escaped. "At least I'm not dead."
"I would have made a great ruler of the Colonies," said Lee, as he swung their raptor door shut.
"We should have killed her," said Kara, "And you should stop being a frakking moron. 'Do you promise not to hurt her?"" she falsettoed.
"Shut up, Kara," Lee said. "Come fly vipers with me."
"Come fly vipers with me. I already have the ship."
"You want me to be a pirate?"
Kara smiled, and kissed him.
END CRACKFIC
bantha_fodderBSG, rated PG. No spoilers.
Words and situations liberally stolen from The Princess Bride.
For my Plastix
**
There was once an Admiral, with a wife and two sons whom he loved very much.
No, wait. That story is too long. Better to start here:
Lee was raised in a house, provided by the Colonial Forces, in the city of Caprica. Lee's favourite pastimes were flying in vipers and reading banned books. There was a mechanic who serviced the family's vehicles and equipments, a young girl of similar age to Lee, who lived in the apartment block adjacent to the house that Lee lived in. The apartment block was filled with children from broken families and people with no hope, and this little urchin repaired and cleaned for a little food and a place to hide from her mother.
Nothing gave Lee as much pleasure as ordering Kara around. "Urchin," he would say, haughtily, "polish my car. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."
"What am I, your frakking slave?" Kara would reply as she reached for the polish, and Lee would walk away.
"Urchin," he would say, "I'd like a leek and cucumber soup for dinner."
"What am I, your frakking slave?" Kara would reply, and peel the cucumbers.
It was all Kara ever said, and sometimes Lee wondered if it was all she could say, but occasionally he heard her talking to others from the apartments, and he would know the truth of it.
He wondered if she hated him so much she would not speak any other words to him.
As time passed, it became clear that when Kara said, "What am I, your frakking slave?" what she really meant was, "I love you." And Lee was amazed to discover that he loved her in return.
"Urchin," he said one day, from beneath his viper, "pass me that screwdriver." Kara leaned down and across, and for a moment their hands touched: and she was warm and greasy, and he wanted to hold her.
And hold her he did, and that night, Lee and Kara frakked like the teenagers they were, hot and sweaty on his Star Trek: The Search For Earth sheets.
Kara, being from the projects next door, had no money for marriage, so she packed her few belongings and set out to seek her fortune in the Colonial Forces.
At the airport, Lee looked at Kara and touched a hand to her neck. He had no need for words, but he worried that he would never see her again.
"We don't need the money," he said.
Kara frowned. "I'm not doing it for that," she replied.
"I'm worried you won't come back to me. It's dangerous outside Caprica City."
"Hey," Kara said. "It's dangerous in Caprica City."
"You don't have to be my hero."
"I'm not doing it for you," said Kara, and Lee could read lie on her face. He stood as the door closed behind her, and watched as she walked away, but she didn't look back.
Kara never made it to the Colonial training facilities. The ship she was on was captured by The Dread Pirate Starbuck, who never left captives alive.
The missive came when Lee's father was on shore leave.
"Kara would have made an excellent pilot," his father rumbled, and Lee threw his chocolate mousse in his father's face.
"I will never love again," Lee declared.
"Frak, Lee," his brother said. "There are more women in the world."
He threw his brother out, and slammed the door.
*
Five years later, everyone was gathered around their television sets, and the bleachers in the Caprica City Stadium were filled until there was not even standing room left. There was a loud fanfare, and everyone jumped in surprise, and turned to face the stage. Out stepped the Evil Queen Helena, and she waved to her loyal subjects.
"This year is the fortieth anniversary of the Colonies," announced the Queen. "And on the eve of the day of our fortieth anniversary, I shall marry a man, who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find him common now."
Into the middle of the Stadium stepped a young man, handsome in his suit and with a dainty circlet of silver on his head. "This," declared Evil Queen Helena, "Is my groom to be, the Prince Apollo."
Everyone waved and bowed at the Prince Apollo, who was in fact Lee, and Lee smiled back, but inside he was hollow and lonely. Although the laws of the Colonies gave Evil Queen Helena to marry any man in the land, he did not love her.
Despite Evil Queen Helena's reassurances that he would grow to love her, Lee's only joy was in his daily viper flight. He was not permitted to fly too far, but at least he could fly, and it reminded him of his beloved Kara.
Flying far above his beloved planet of Caprica, Lee saw out of his viper window a distress signal and, being a kind soul (and about to become the Prince of Caprica), Lee brought his viper in to land.
In front of him, closing down their distress signal with unseemly haste, were three people. "Kind Sir," said the very short one. "We are but poor circus performers, lost on the way to Caprica City. Tell me, is there a village nearby?"
"No," said Lee, "There isn't anything for miles. You really are quite lost."
"Excellent," said the very short one. "Then there will be no one to hear you scream."
The very large one stepped forward, and then Lee could remember no more.
*
"What is it that you are ripping?" asked Billy of Roslin.
"It is the patch of the Cylon Army," replied Roslin.
"Who is the Cylon Army?" asked Helo, who was not very bright.
"The Cylons are the sworn enemies of the Colonies. So when the Queen finds the patch by Prince Apollo's viper, she will suspect the Cylons. And when she finds his body in the deserted Cylon base, her suspicions will be confirmed."
"You never said anything about killing anyone," said Helo, unimpressed.
"I hired you to help me start a war!" Roslin replied. "It is an excellent career, with a long and glorious tradition."
"I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent young man."
"Oh, Helo," sighed Roslin, and she reached for the pills she kept in a bottle in her jacket. "You were hired for other reasons than your brains, Helo."
"I agree with Helo," said Billy.
"I will kill him myself!" declared Roslin. "And remember this, never forget this, when I found you, Billy, you were a washed up actor who hadn't finished high school! You weren't good for flipping burgers!" Roslin turned to Helo. "And you were friendless, at the mercy of the Cylons!" Roslin staggered away, muttering about how difficult it was to find good help.
Billy and Helo consoled one another with terrible puns and comparing bad shirts as they climbed into the raptor and flew away, the Prince Apollo knocked out in the back.
*
"Are you sure we aren't being followed?" asked Billy.
"Such an event would be inconceivable," said Roslin.
"Despite what you might think, Queen Helena will find you, and will see you all spaced." Lee did not wish that much for Evil Queen Helena to find him, but he was always polite, and if Evil Queen Helena were Queen, then it was Evil Queen Helena he must be loyal to.
Roslin threatened Lee with a glare and a twitch of her glasses, and Billy coughed. "Are you sure no one is following us?"
"Thank you for your concern, Billy," said Roslin, "But it is quite inconceivable. No one in Caprica City knows what we have done." She paused. "Out of curiosity, why do you happen to ask?"
"It's nothing," said Billy. "It's just that I happened to check the radar, and something is there."
Roslin looked. "It's nothing. Probably some local from the Tyllium refinery, out for a pleasure cruise through meteor-infested space."
A rattle from the back of the raptor captured their attention. Lee pulled on the handle. "I'll do it," he threatened.
"You can," said Roslin. "But you are wearing a half patched suit, and if you stay here, we will not hurt you. The meteors can make no such promise." Lee turned the handle a little more, and dropped it as the suction of space began to pull on him. Helo reached for him and brought Lee back into the raptor.
"I suppose you think you are brave, Apollo," remarked Roslin.
"Only compared to some," said Lee, and thought of Kara.
*
Billy turned. "We're still being followed."
"No matter," said Roslin as they landed on Aerilon. "We will hide in the Midnight Markets, and he will be unable to follow us in the melee." But follow them the mystery person did, and Roslin worried.
"Helo," said Roslin as they reached the Cliffs of Insane Cylons. "Carry Apollo. Billy, stay to fight this man. He cannot be allowed to follow us past the Cliffs of Insane Cylons. Catch up with us when you are done." Helo and Roslin ran off, and Billy remained behind, knife in one hand, words in his mouth.
"You okay?" Billy called down, slightly bored, and a little concerned as the man climbed the Cliffs of Insane Cylons.
"I'm a little busy," replied the masked man, "and I'd appreciate it if you didn't distract me."
"Sorry," said Billy.
Billy practiced his knife strikes for several minutes, before leaning over the edge again. "I don't suppose you could speed things up?"
"You could make yourself useful. Extend a dead Cylon or something."
"I could," said Billy, always perceptive, "But you would not trust me."
"This is true."
"I swear on my honour as a Aerilion."
"No good. I've known too many scoundrels from this frakking planet."
"I swear on the name of my father. You will not die before you reach top."
"Okay. Hand me that Cylon."
Billy used the hand of a dead Cylon, rotting on the cliffs, to draw his competition to the top, where he discovered he would be fighting a woman.
"Excuse me," said Billy. "I cannot help but notice you are a woman, so I need to ask you a very personal question."
"Go ahead," said the masked person, "But I might have to punch you for it."
"Sure," said Billy. "Do you have more than one body?"
The masked woman looked at him in silence for some time. "No," she replied, finally.
"My father was a great knife maker," said Billy. "The woman with multiple bodies wanted a very special knife, and my father was proud to make it. The woman returned and demanded the knife, but for one tenth the price. She killed my father, and scarred me. But I shall kill that woman. I have studied hard, and I shall meet her again, and say, "Hello, my name is Billy Keikeya, you killed my father, prepare to die."
"You've done nothing but learn knife play?"
"I have learnt some fancy words too, and I know some programming languages," he said. "But now, we must fight. You seem a decent lady, I don't like to kill you."
"You're a decent fellow, I hate to die." The lady grinned.
They drew their knives and fought, left hand to left hand, and complimented one another on their styles. "You are very good," said Billy.
"So are you. Have you studied the Sagitteron style?"
"I have," replied Billy, "And you would be no match for me, if It wasn't clear you have also studied the Canceron Third Form."
"It is true," said the masked woman. "And it is equally clear that you have not studied the Kirk Form, which means that I must necessarily best you, and you know that. So I cannot work out why you are smiling."
"Because," said Billy. "I am not left handed." He swapped hands and lunged.
The woman laughed. "Is that all?" She said. "Why, I am not left handed either.
She quickly bested Billy then, and as he knelt before her he said, "Please end me quickly."
"There are many things I would rather destroy than an excellent man such as yourself." She hit him across the head, and he fell to the ground. "But your last words need some work."
She collected her things, and ran off in the direction of the others.
Some distance away, Roslin became quietly displeased. "Really," she said. "Such perseverance is inconceivable in the young. Pass the young prince to me. Catch up with us quickly. Finish him your way!"
"Thank you," said Helo. "But what is my way?"
"Hide behind these market stalls. Pick up some produce. When the Person in Black comes along, hit him in the head!"
"My way is not very sportsmanlike."
Roslin shook her head, and dragged Lee away.
As the woman in black approached, Helo threw a pineapple. "I missed on purpose," he said. "I like to fight fair."
"You mean," she said, slowly, "I will put down my knife, and you'll put down your pineapple, and we'll fight like soldiers?"
"I could kill you now," Helo pointed out.
"I feel you have an advantage," she said, and ran at him.
"It is not my fault I am the biggest," Helo replied.
She ran at him again, and bounced off. "Are you toying with me?" she asked.
"I don't want you to feel embarrassed."
She rolled and jumped, and leapt onto Helo's back. "You are a lot of trouble for one person," he gasped, as she held tight around his neck until he gasped and fell.
"Dream of beautiful women," she said, and dropped a cigar by his side. "Unless you want to dream of men."
She grinned, and ran off.
*
Evil Queen Helena traced the steps taken at the Cliffs of Insane Cylons. "The loser ran off on her own," she declared, "And the winner ran back into the Markets."
"Shall we follow both sets?" Asked the Evil Queen's advisor, a woman with more than one body by the name of Count Six.
"The loser is nothing," replied the Evil Queen, "Unless we have the time to come back and kill her."
In the background, an insane Cylon broke rocks and threw them at the humans as they passed by, but the party ignored her, and soon she was lost to the landscape but for the noise of her yells, and the sound of her head hitting the rocks.
"Only the Prince matters," said Evil Queen Helena to the air.
*
"So," said Roslin. "It is down to you, and it is down to me." The woman in black limped towards where Roslin sat at the bar, her gun pointed at Lee's lap.
"By all means, come closer if you wish for me to kill him."
"Let me explain."
"No need. You are trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen."
"Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?"
"There can be no arrangement, and we are at an impasse. I am no match for you physically," and here Roslin coughed, "And you are no match for my visions."
"Really?" asked the woman.
"Really. I have seen Kobol. I know what you will do."
"In that case, I challenge you to a battle of the Gods' favour."
"To the death?"
"Well," said the woman. "I know that you have cancer, and are going to die soon anyway."
"Oh," said Roslin. "Your advice from the Gods is excellent. I accept."
"Pour the vodka into one glass." The woman in black slid onto a bar stool, and waved at the bartender. "Inhale, but do not touch. This is Ambrosia from the Tyllium Refinery at the edge of the galaxy. One shot of this makes a person lose control of their senses. It is odourless, colourless, tasteless, and reacts very badly with any sort of painkiller, which we are both on." The woman in black. She then picked up the glasses, and turned her back to Roslin, before bringing them back to the bar.
"Drink," said the woman in black. "And one of us will be right, and the other dead."
"The answer is simple," said Roslin, sure. "The Gods will do as they will."
"You have made your decision, then?"
"No."
The woman in black frowned and rolled her eyes.
"The Gods have chosen me to lead us back to Kobol, so clearly you, as an instrument of the Gods, can not have put the deadly Ambrosia in front of me."
"Truly, your words are dizzying."
Roslin smiled. "Please," she said. "I just pay attention to my surroundings."
"Now you're stalling," accused the woman in black.
"You have beaten my giant, so you are strong and may have relied on your strength to fight the alcohol, so the Gods may have placed it in front of you. But you bested Billy, so clearly you have studied, and you must know that we are mortal, and would have put it as far away from you as possible, and I clearly cannot pick the glass in front of me."
"You're trying to trick me. It won't work."
"It has worked. You've given away everything just by coming here," said Roslin. "I know where it is."
"So make your choice."
"I have!" declared Roslin. "And my choice is - Oh my Gods, what is that?" Roslin pointed over the other woman's shoulder, and the woman in black turned.
"What?" she asked. "Where?" And Roslin leaned across the table and swapped glasses.
"Oh," said Roslin. "It must be my eyes. No matter." She laughed. "Let us drink."
The two drank, and Roslin fell to the ground.
"You guessed wrong," said the woman in black. "I can drink as much Ambrosia as I like. All pilots can. They were both full. Such a waste."
The woman in black took the mask from about Lee's head. "Who are you?" he asked.
"No one to be trifled with. That it all you ever need know."
*
Evil Queen Helena touched the ground. "Someone fought a very large, very dumb man here," she said. "If Apollo is harmed, I shall be very angry."
*
"If you release me, you won't be harmed," said Lee to his captor. "I promise you."
She laughed. "And what is that worth? Your promise. You make me laugh, Your Highness."
"I was giving you a chance. No matter where you take me, Queen Helena will find you. There is no greater hunter, no one more merciless than Queen Helena."
"You think your greatest love will find you?"
"I never said she was my greatest love," spat Lee. "And yes, she will find me. That I know."
The woman in black moved closer. "You admit you do not love your fiance."
"What business is it of yours? She knows I do not love her."
"Are not capable of love, is what you mean."
"I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream." Lee moved forward until he was close enough to touch the woman in black, and she drew back her arm and punched him in the mouth.
He punched back.
*
"The Prince is alive, or was, an hour ago," declared Helena. "If he is otherwise when I find him, I shall be very put out."
*
Puffed, Lee sat on a bar stool in a different bar. "Rest, Highness," said the masked woman.
"I know who you are," said Lee, voice low. "Your cruelty reveals all. You are the Dread Pirate Starbuck. Admit it!"
"With pride," said the Dread Pirate Starbuck. "What can I do for you?"
"You can die slowly, head torn by a Cylon."
Starbuck laughed. "That is hardly complimentary, Highness. Why waste your venom on me?"
"You killed my love."
"Possible. I have killed many. Who was your love? Another Evil Queen like this one: rich, ugly, scabby and with bad personal habits?"
"No," said Lee. "A street kid. Poor and perfect, and brilliant fighter. Out there, your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Starbuck never takes prisoners."
"I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word gets out a pirate's gone soft, they don't take them seriously and then it's work, work, work."
"You mock my pain."
Starbuck curled her lip. "Life is pain. Gods, you're a moron."
"I remember this girl of yours, I think. What was it, five years ago? She died very well. No tears. Very rude to me, and she said, 'Let me live, you frakker.' I asked what was so important she would risk her death on my sword, and she said, 'True Love,' Which I thought was a bit soft, to be honest, but she was adamant. Said her man was true and handsome and absolutely loaded. I can only assume she meant you. You should be grateful to me, that I put her out of her misery before she found out about your unfaithfulness. Tell me, did you wait a whole day before becoming engaged to your Queen?"
Lee leapt to his feet. "Frak you!" he yelled, and turned his head at the low buzz of ships moving through the atmosphere, barely audible over the noise of the bar. He waved at the door of the bar, and set off the homing beacon on his belt. "And you can die, for all the good you are."
"Gods, Lee, you're such a moron." Starbuck looked at the door, at the nervous patrons listening to their Queen coming closer, and shrugged. "What am I, your frakking slave?" she asked, and dashed out the back door.
"Oh, Kara," said Lee, shaking his head. "What have I done?" He leapt up after her, bruising himself something fierce. It had been years since he had trained in the hopes of entering the Academy, and his skin was soft and supple, and easy to damage.
"You are such a frakking princess, Lee," said Kara when he caught up with her.
*
"They have disappeared," growled Evil Queen Helena. "She must have panicked. And unless I am wrong - and I am never wrong - they are headed into the deserted Cylon base.
*
"I was an ECO for years. Can you imagine it, Lee? Me, an ECO." Kara laughs, and it's as if the years have never passed.
"Kara," Lee says, and his voice is choked.
"And every day it was the same. 'Goodnight, Kara. Make the most of today, I'll probably kill you in the morning.' And then one day she got stabbed right through. Middle of a pub brawl. And she said, 'I suppose the time has come, Kara. I am not the original Dread Pirate Starbuck."' Kara paused, and punched Lee in the shoulder. "So here I am, Lee. And you're looking frakking old. Have you ever considered piracy? Makes the years just drop right off."
Lee rested a hand on her wrist.
"I missed you," he said.
"But you didn't frakking wait. I said I'd come back."
"Well," Lee said. "You were dead."
"Oh, like that'd stop me."
Lee and Kara finished their beers and ran. They didn't have much of a plan, but they thought better on their feet anyway. They battled the Giant Cylon Rats of the great Plains, and as they tried to steal some vipers Evil Queen Helena crested over the ridge in her raptor.
"Surrender," said Evil Queen Helena, her sidearm steadily pointing at Kara.
"I'm glad you concede I'm the better pilot," said Kara. "Very well, I accept."
"You are such a fool." Evil Queen Helena. "I don't have a problem with shooting you. I tell you once again, surrender."
"It will not happen."
"Oh, whatever," said the Evil Queen, and moved to shoot Kara.
"Do you promise not to hurt her?" asked Lee.
Kara rolled her eyes. "Oh, for frak's sake."
"If I return and marry you, do you promise not to hurt her?"
"Of course," said Evil Queen Helena. "On my very honour, may I never fly again."
Lee wrapped his hand around Kara's hair, and pressed his forehead to her own. "I love you," he said.
"When we get back to Caprica, throw her in the Pit of Despair," murmured Evil Queen Helena to Count Six.
"I could not bear it if you died again," said Lee as he softly kissed her hair.
"Seriously Lee, I should never have left you if you were going to get like this. And I'm not going to. I'll be back."
"Let's go!" yelled Evil Queen Helena, and Lee dashed into her raptor.
Count Six stepped up to Kara. "We must get you to your ship," she said, as the raptor took off."
"We are women of action," said Kara. "Lies do not become us."
"They become me very well. I have need of them."
Kara looked closer, and smiled.
"Tell me," she asked. "Do you have more than one body?"
"Of course I do," replied Count Six, and Kara's grin grew wider.
"Someone was looking for you, Count Six," she said, and the count knocked her out.
*
As Kara woke, she became aware of a greasy man patting her body down.
"What the frak are you doing?"
"You're dirty. Unwell. She says I have to make you better."
"There's no one here. And where is here?" Kara tried to get up, but found she was tied down. "And why the frak am I tied up?"
"She is always here," he hissed. "And you are in the Pit of Despair. There is no escape."
"So I am here until I die?"
"Until she tells me to kill you, yes."
"And you always do what she says?"
"It's better that way."
*
Lee dreamt he married Evil Queen Helena in a quick ceremony in the dead of night, and when their photos were printed in all the tabloids everyone slashed his face and wrote the truth of how he had left his true love behind.
But he saved her life, and when he awoke, it was this that comforted him.
*
"He is such a nuisance," said Evil Queen Helena to Count Six. "It is always 'Kara this,' and, 'Kara that.' I simply cannot live with him. He will be murdered by Cylon assassins on our wedding night, and the Colonies will insist to go to war with the Cylons. See to it."
Count Six smiled. "Of course," she said. "And did you want to come downstairs with me? I have a hot bath, some hot cocoa, and I was thinking of making Gaius torture Kara this evening."
"Six," the Queen said, a hand on Six's shoulder, "You know I love watching you when you work. But I have a wedding to plan, a husband to kill, and the Cylons to frame for it. I'm swamped."
Six leaned forward and kissed the Queen on the cheek. "Get some rest. You'll look beautiful in the morning."
Count Six stepped into the Pit of Despair, and tortured Kara until she screamed.
She smiled.
*
"I want you to increase security. I have heard there is a plot against my beloved."
"I have heard no such news," Fisk shook his head.
"There is a plot," Helena repeated. "On the day of the wedding, I want the Markets emptied."
"Many of the merchants will resist."
"Form a brute squad, then!"
"It won't be easy."
"Try ruling the Colonies some time."
*
Outside a filthy bar in the middle of the Markets, Helo found a very inebriated Billy. "I didn't know you drank, man!" said Helo, clapping Billy on the back. Billy fell, until he was lying on the side of the road.
"I am fine," Billy slurred. Helo helped Billy to his feet, and nursed him back to health.
It was pretty gross, but Helo was good like that.
He told Billy of the existence of Count Six, and Billy leapt to his feet. "Where is she?" he cried. "I must kill her now!"
"In the castle," said Helo. "But the gates are guarded by many men, and I cannot take them all."
"We need the help of the woman in black," said Billy. "We must find her."
*
"Be honest with me, Gaius, do you think it's working out, this thing between us?"
"Of course," he said. "You're beautiful, and I love building these machines for you. It's for the good of the Colonies, you know."
"Oh, Gaius."
"Do you mind?" Kara interrupted. "You've already tortured me once tonight."
"But clearly not enough," yelled the Evil Queen Helena. "Your frakking boyfriend won't frakking shut up about you. You might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century is as lucky as you. And so I think no woman will suffer as much as you."
"Oh, no," said Count Six. "You mustn't put it that high."
"Oh, like you've never said that before," said Evil Queen Helena, and killed Kara.
*
Billy dropped to his knees. "Gods," he said, in his hands the idols his father had once worshipped. "Please guide me. I have failed for many years, but now I am so close, so close, and I just need a little help."
He looked up, and ahead of him was a bright light. He followed it and saw a great path with hundreds of corridors, and one open door. When he opened his eyes, he turned to Helo and said, "I know where we must go." Helo and Billy walked and walked, and Billy was not wrong. He found Kara's body.
"Frak," he said. "Time for a miracle."
Helo carried Kara's body and followed Billy until they reached a tent in the middle of the Market that had not been cleared out.
"Are you the Gaeta who worked for King Adar all those years?"
"The king's stupid daughter fired me. Thanks for bringing that up."
"Please," said Billy who, for a learned guy, wasn't very good with words. "We need a miracle."
"Oh, okay," said Gaeta. "I'm always happy to help."
Helo carried Kara's body into the tent, and settled her onto the table. Gaeta declined to miracle her until his wife Dee intervened; "Liar!" she yelled. "You're so frakking nice, but ten years on Comms and all you know how to do now is lie!" and Gaeta miracled her better for three bottles of Ambrosia and two tickets to the next game between the Buccaneers and the Superstars.
"Frakking morons," muttered Dee as they waved goodbye. "Taking on the Evil Queen."
"Get drunk with me, Dee," said Gaeta, and when she turned back to him the twinkle in his eye was all she needed to reach for the nearest bottle of Ambrosia.
They didn't think about Helo, Billy and Kara again.
*
Helo put Kara on the ground. "We're so frakked," he said.
"We are not," said Billy. "We have her. She will help us."
"I'll frakking kill you both! Why can't I move my frakking arms?" Helo slapped a hand over Kara's mouth.
"Welcome back," he said.
"You were mostly dead," said Billy.
"And Lee is about to marry Evil Queen Helena."
"And the castle is heavily guarded."
"And the woman with many bodies is in there."
"Oh, for frak's sake," said Kara, and rolled her eyes. "It's always up to Starbuck."
*
"The Gods bless you and keep you," declared the celebrant.
"Yes yes," said Helena impatiently. "Just marry us already."
"You're awfully eager," said Lee.
"My love," said Evil Queen Helena, "I just want to be with you always."
Lee rolled his eyes.
*
The Dread Pirate Starbuck had taught Kara well. She snuck them into the castle, and there they parted ways.
"You are no match for me," said Count Six.
"Hello. My name is Billy Keikeya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Count Six lunged, and from behind a doorway, another of her appeared.
*
Lee stood by his window, looking out over Caprica City. He would miss it, when he was gone. He reached for his gun, and held it to his head.
"You are such a frakking moron, Lee," said a voice, and Lee turned. Upon his bed was Kara, and he smiled.
"Kara."
He held Kara close, and then frowned. "Why aren't you hitting me, telling me to let go?"
"I would," she said, "If only I hadn't spent most of today mostly dead." Lee let go of her, and she fell heavily to the bed.
*
Billy threw his knives, and killed both bodies. He wasn't sure how.
He decided not to press his luck.
He ran.
*
In Lee's bedroom, instead of the veritable frakfest one might hope for, Evil Queen Helena found herself held at gunpoint by two irate pilots.
"Well, frak," she said, as they tied her up and escaped. "At least I'm not dead."
"I would have made a great ruler of the Colonies," said Lee, as he swung their raptor door shut.
"We should have killed her," said Kara, "And you should stop being a frakking moron. 'Do you promise not to hurt her?"" she falsettoed.
"Shut up, Kara," Lee said. "Come fly vipers with me."
"Come fly vipers with me. I already have the ship."
"You want me to be a pirate?"
Kara smiled, and kissed him.
END CRACKFIC
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 03:33 pm (UTC)Pretty perfect frak, though. Good times for piracy, my friends. Goooood times indeed.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 04:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 03:41 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 04:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 03:43 pm (UTC)Oh sweet Pen. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 04:09 pm (UTC)And OMFG Dee chasing Gaeta around the house shrieking is AWESOME.
*loves on you*
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 04:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 05:11 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 04:19 pm (UTC)Well, this was delightful and I loved how you integrated the BSG world so well with The Princess Bride plot. Thank you for sharing.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 05:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 04:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 05:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 04:51 pm (UTC)drinking, fighting, obscure colonial sports, monsters, cylons, big dumb ECO's, pirates, twu wuv, miracles!
You are a miracle, Pen =)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 05:13 pm (UTC)But please don't die. You have a fic to complete, and I can't read it until you've finished it!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 05:05 pm (UTC)"Hello, my name is Billy Keikeya, you killed my father, prepare to die." definitely needs to be made into an icon.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 05:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 05:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 05:55 pm (UTC)Oh--*loves*--there's just too much to joy over here. Hooray!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 06:21 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 06:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 06:53 pm (UTC)"Kara would have made an excellent pilot," his father rumbled, and Lee threw his chocolate mousse in his father's face.
"I will never love again," Lee declared.
"Frak, Lee," his brother said. "There are more women in the world."
He threw his brother out, and slammed the door.
HI-larious. Oh, how I love Bitchy!Lee. ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 07:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 08:49 pm (UTC)HAHAHAHAHA!
Starbuck curled her lip. "Life is pain. Gods, you're a moron."
*dies*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-27 11:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 12:35 am (UTC)I've been gone for like four months so you can just pretend you're meeting me for the first time. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 02:22 am (UTC)I especially loved Lee's Star Trek sheets.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 10:44 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 11:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-29 07:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-29 05:50 pm (UTC)*adores*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-29 09:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-29 10:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 09:18 am (UTC)